It already takes a village...

In the 90s, Hillary (no last name needed - she's the Madonna of politics) made everyone familiar with the idiom "It takes a village" in reference to raising and nurturing children. Even my mother, who would rather face Bush-era torture tactics than admit commonality with the woman, has to give credence to this notion. As I prepare on the downhill slope of this pregnancy to bring a child into our "village" of acquaintances, I am mulling this concept more than ever.

As a biological and honorary aunt to an ever growing number of children over the past nearly 5 years, I have been struck by a particular idea closely related to Hillary's comment. As I have not had a biological horse in the race as a childless woman, I have been apprehensive to give voice to my recurring idea. However, even with raging hormones and appearing stretchmarks, this particular idea resonates clearer than ever within my head and heart. At the risk of alienating those who disagree, I have to admit to a very honest and simple realization to which I feel compelled to look for guidance as I engage in the task of parenthood. My realization is this:

Our child does not belong to us.

Clearly, Nathaniel and I are going to be a primary influence and role in little boy Eschler's formation. The responsibility of late night feedings and diaper changes will, obviously, give me a sense of entitlement in this child's life that not many, if anyone else, can claim to feel. However, this child does not belong to me or to my husband.

Instead, the reality is this: The moment this little boy was conceived, he was as much a grandson, nephew, cousin, great grandson, friend, and sibling to future little Eschlers as he was our son. The primacy of my role or the role of my husband in no way diminishes or can ever diminish our son's relationship to anyone else. Of course, this realization could potentially make life more difficult.

You see, if Nathaniel and I were (as we are with most other things in our life) able to follow our instincts and rely on research and trusted resources, we would be able to make decisions and execute our methodologies in a systematic, well-controlled environment. However, we do not live in a vacuum, our child is not being birthed into a familial vacuum, and any other role could potentially influence, if not usurp our best intention. If my parents are anything like their parents, our plans will be subject to last minute ice cream trips and ostentatious birthday gifts. To say that my parents would not be able to grandparent in the way they see fit just as Nathaniel and I should be able to parent as we see fit would be at best, futile. At worst, it would be a selfish way of robbing my child.

You see, after much observation, I have come to realize that each child gains something different from each relationship. Their parents (hopefully) teach a loving moderation. Grandparents give an unmitigated and protected excess. Aunts and uncles give patient adoration. Siblings give unadulterated humility. Each person executes his or her gift to the child in a different way, in different expressions. However, each one is a benefit to the child if done in a way that maintains a sense of loving respect for the others.

I know this set up does not make my life any easier. I know that full control is a much easier way for me to maintain sanity - especially as it is the way I've maintained sanity in the other life domains. However, I know that my experience was so enriched by those moments my parents surrendered their control and plans and allowed me to bask fully in the relationship with my other family members and friends. I intend to give our son the same benefit, even if it means I have to learn a parenting style that is flexible enough to account for the influences of so many people in this small one's life.

I just pray we have grace and humility enough to make this idea a reality.