Nathaniel and I find out 2 weeks from yesterday if there is a stem on our little apple. When we first found out I was "in the family way," I was convinced I was growing a girl. I've always preferred little boys, so it was kind of strange for me to assume we were having a girl.
As time has gone on, my resolve has wavered. Perhaps it is the natural progression for doubt to sink in after a period of uncertainty without any way to confirm or deny a suspicion, but I no longer feel as certain.
I've had very vivid dreams where I had a boy and separate very vivid dreams where it was a girl. Nathaniel thinks it's a boy... but he said that is mostly because he can't imagine anything else.
All of this is to say: HOW ON EARTH DO PEOPLE WAIT FOR THIS INFORMATION!?!?!?
Bobby and Katie waited with Emory. I remember it being a sweet time and when Bobby jumped off the elevator and announced that "EMORY ROBERT IS HERE!" It was exciting on many levels. However, as I gestate, I find myself unwilling even to consider postponing the knowledge.
I attribute part of this excitement and desire to know to the very real surprise and drama we experienced initially. I think the tears shed, concerns worried, and anxiety that marked the first days of our gestational parenthood are enough to last us for a while. I do not feel the need to add any other element of surprise to our life.
Another contributing factor is that our nursery themes are so different. As I've said before, we have no intention of using a traditional nursery theme. As I walk around Target or Babies R Us or anyplace else with a baby section, I am unmoved by the themes I see.
Instead, for a boy, we are choosing a Brooklyn Bridge theme. We intend to have prints by several prominent artists who have created paintings of it. Additionally, Hart Crane's poem about the Bridge will be a beautiful addition. Nathaniel proposed to me on that bridge and we both love New York City. In our new home, a Brooklyn Bridge baby room will be PERFECT.
However, if it is a little girl, we are going to start her off well with an American female artist role model: Georgia O'Keefe. While I have not traditionally been a fan of decorating with red, I LOVE her poppies series. With prints of her poppies as the centerpiece, a girl's nursery will evolve, with probably ladybugs and insects as the natural progression therefrom.
The issue of names also plays into my desire to know. Right now, I am IN LOVE with our boy names. Girl names are, at best, uncreative. At worst, they are controversial (using my grandmother's first name causes angst in certain corners of my family). I exert relatively little effort toward girl names, since boy names roll off our tongues more effortlessly. Knowing which it is will be an end to the pressure, hopefully. Unfortunately, I will mourn a bit if we don't get to use the boy names. As it is, we are only going to come up with a short list and name the child after we meet him or her. At least I'll know which list to keep working on.
This gender question has brought to light the fact that things are so much different when you are face to face with this reality than what you conjecture. I always thought I would wait to find out. NOPE! I always thought I'd go into the delivery room with just my husband. I now find myself wanting my mother there with us. I thought I'd be well adjusted and wouldn't mind weight gain. I freak out over any ache or pain and HATE my changing body. I guess maybe there is no way to prepare for pregnancy. And if there is no way to prepare adequately for pregnancy, maybe that means there is no way to adequately prepare for parenthood either.
Good thing our kid is going to be well behaved anyway... right?
guys?
yeah?
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Call Me Pokey...
I went to the doctor yesterday. It was not a pre-scheduled appointment. However, I thought I had a bladder infection. Never having experienced one, I was unfamiliar with the signs/pains/indications and called the office to find out if I needed to be concerned.
Note to self: Medical malpractice fears will cause doctor's offices to ALWAYS be concerned and offer extra appointments in order to cover their bottoms on the off chance that I am a lawsuit-happy mother to be. Turns out, I have no infection whatsoever. Instead, the pains were another phenomenon with which I am unfamiliar: The stretching of uterine tendons/ligaments to make more space for my growing little Eschler.
(Can I go on a completely unrelated tangent for a second? Is it weird to any other women that you gestate someone who carries on the DNA and name of people you may never meet? I LOVE my husband's family. It is a bit surreal, though, that my baby will carry the last name of people who got into covered wagons and settled the west. I know my child will feel a strong connection to that heritage, as I do to those who passed through Ellis Island. It was just an unexpected sensation when we visited Nathaniel's father's family and realized this particular quarter of my child's heritage get to provide him or her with the surname that will be an earliest identifier. I love these people and am thrilled to have chosen so wisely when deciding on a family unit. However, it's an odd realization. Perhaps an overly obvious one, as well. Tangent over.)
So, while the intermittent pains with which I was so unfamiliar were easily explained, the urinalysis demonstrated another troubling sign which brought back a conversation I was not eager to have: there were small amounts of sugar in my urine.
Practicing the self advocacy skills I champion for so many of my clients, I summoned the most respectful, articulate version of myself I could as I tearfully realized that exercise and diet modification may never be able to compensate for crappy DNA. After an entertaining engagement with the nurse and doctor wherein I explained that the 90 pound yoga addicts that usually offer nutritional advice to chubby Italian-Hispanic girls were NOT high on my list of people to chat with during pregnancy, I was able to reach a very reasonable compromise. I would not have to do the 3 hour glucose test and resulting in longer term "nutritional" consultation. In exchange, I would monitor my own blood sugar, create a journal, and interact with my medical professionals consistently throughout the rest of my pregnancy.
This arrangement works better for me for several reasons:
1. If the 3 hour test came back saying I DON'T have gestational diabetes, we may be tempted not to pay attention to sugar issues during pregnancy. I am insulin resistant - I have sugar issues. I am not ready to call it gestational diabetes, nor am I convinced I will develop it. However, I readily admit I need to pay attention to this issue during my pregnancy.
2. My mother NEVER got the readings on her 3 hour tests that indicated she needed help. It was only through a consistent monitoring of her blood sugar that she saw her body's behavior and was able to correct it through diet and exercise.
3. I greatly reduce the risk of damaging the relationship with my doctor's office that may have resulted from going 12 hours without food, with high sugar drinks.
4. I feel more in control. I typically know what is going on in my body and am sensitive to the point that I knew my baby was there before I should have known. I like that I am learning about my body and how best to care for myself during this exceptional time period.
I am going to see the practice's nutritionist (who the doctor told me while laughing weighs no more than 90 pounds) and told the doctor I would listen to anything specific to pregnancy. I am getting my own machine and strips and will be testing my blood sugar 3 times daily. Hence, feel free to call me "Pokey." The calluses on my fingers should make for a particularly attractive third trimester.
On the bright side of the news, I was told that my weight gain was perfect. While I feel gross, the doctor assured me I am WELL WITHIN what is normal for pregnancy thus far and can probably increase my caloric intake - a phrase no doctor has ever told me :) Additionally, the doctor told me that it is evident I am caring well for myself. All other health indicators are normal: good cholesterol levels, 117/76 blood pressure, regular pulse rate, etc. She told me my kidneys may just be hypersensitive, as is common during pregnancy. She agreed that slow, consistent monitoring will give a better picture of my gestational needs at this point and that she wants me to continue advocating for myself. She also pushed my next appointment out for 3 weeks so that we can discuss these issues more fully after time to monitor has passed. That means Piccolino will be gender neutral in our dialogue until November 10. However, for that visit, Nathaniel and I get to see our favorite doctor in the practice - worth the wait, if you ask us!
The rest of the day continued stressfully - mortgage issues, working 2 jobs, trying to catch up on work I am behind on, etc. However, I feel like I struck a blow for critical thinking and logical approaches to the metabolic and gestational needs of chubby Italian-Hispanic girls everywhere. I realize that "blow" means I am puncturing my skin 3 times daily. Oddly, at this point in my life, that is a win.
Note to self: Medical malpractice fears will cause doctor's offices to ALWAYS be concerned and offer extra appointments in order to cover their bottoms on the off chance that I am a lawsuit-happy mother to be. Turns out, I have no infection whatsoever. Instead, the pains were another phenomenon with which I am unfamiliar: The stretching of uterine tendons/ligaments to make more space for my growing little Eschler.
(Can I go on a completely unrelated tangent for a second? Is it weird to any other women that you gestate someone who carries on the DNA and name of people you may never meet? I LOVE my husband's family. It is a bit surreal, though, that my baby will carry the last name of people who got into covered wagons and settled the west. I know my child will feel a strong connection to that heritage, as I do to those who passed through Ellis Island. It was just an unexpected sensation when we visited Nathaniel's father's family and realized this particular quarter of my child's heritage get to provide him or her with the surname that will be an earliest identifier. I love these people and am thrilled to have chosen so wisely when deciding on a family unit. However, it's an odd realization. Perhaps an overly obvious one, as well. Tangent over.)
So, while the intermittent pains with which I was so unfamiliar were easily explained, the urinalysis demonstrated another troubling sign which brought back a conversation I was not eager to have: there were small amounts of sugar in my urine.
Practicing the self advocacy skills I champion for so many of my clients, I summoned the most respectful, articulate version of myself I could as I tearfully realized that exercise and diet modification may never be able to compensate for crappy DNA. After an entertaining engagement with the nurse and doctor wherein I explained that the 90 pound yoga addicts that usually offer nutritional advice to chubby Italian-Hispanic girls were NOT high on my list of people to chat with during pregnancy, I was able to reach a very reasonable compromise. I would not have to do the 3 hour glucose test and resulting in longer term "nutritional" consultation. In exchange, I would monitor my own blood sugar, create a journal, and interact with my medical professionals consistently throughout the rest of my pregnancy.
This arrangement works better for me for several reasons:
1. If the 3 hour test came back saying I DON'T have gestational diabetes, we may be tempted not to pay attention to sugar issues during pregnancy. I am insulin resistant - I have sugar issues. I am not ready to call it gestational diabetes, nor am I convinced I will develop it. However, I readily admit I need to pay attention to this issue during my pregnancy.
2. My mother NEVER got the readings on her 3 hour tests that indicated she needed help. It was only through a consistent monitoring of her blood sugar that she saw her body's behavior and was able to correct it through diet and exercise.
3. I greatly reduce the risk of damaging the relationship with my doctor's office that may have resulted from going 12 hours without food, with high sugar drinks.
4. I feel more in control. I typically know what is going on in my body and am sensitive to the point that I knew my baby was there before I should have known. I like that I am learning about my body and how best to care for myself during this exceptional time period.
I am going to see the practice's nutritionist (who the doctor told me while laughing weighs no more than 90 pounds) and told the doctor I would listen to anything specific to pregnancy. I am getting my own machine and strips and will be testing my blood sugar 3 times daily. Hence, feel free to call me "Pokey." The calluses on my fingers should make for a particularly attractive third trimester.
On the bright side of the news, I was told that my weight gain was perfect. While I feel gross, the doctor assured me I am WELL WITHIN what is normal for pregnancy thus far and can probably increase my caloric intake - a phrase no doctor has ever told me :) Additionally, the doctor told me that it is evident I am caring well for myself. All other health indicators are normal: good cholesterol levels, 117/76 blood pressure, regular pulse rate, etc. She told me my kidneys may just be hypersensitive, as is common during pregnancy. She agreed that slow, consistent monitoring will give a better picture of my gestational needs at this point and that she wants me to continue advocating for myself. She also pushed my next appointment out for 3 weeks so that we can discuss these issues more fully after time to monitor has passed. That means Piccolino will be gender neutral in our dialogue until November 10. However, for that visit, Nathaniel and I get to see our favorite doctor in the practice - worth the wait, if you ask us!
The rest of the day continued stressfully - mortgage issues, working 2 jobs, trying to catch up on work I am behind on, etc. However, I feel like I struck a blow for critical thinking and logical approaches to the metabolic and gestational needs of chubby Italian-Hispanic girls everywhere. I realize that "blow" means I am puncturing my skin 3 times daily. Oddly, at this point in my life, that is a win.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
See, what had happened was...
A week from tomorrow, Nathaniel and I will celebrate 6 months of wedded bliss. It was also this time last year that Nathaniel traveled with me to North Carolina from our Boston homes to spend Emory's 3rd birthday with the family and asked my father's blessing for us to get married. My, how times change!
Certainly, the past year has been a radical amount of change - we experienced all of the top 5 stressors on psychological stress tests within that time period. We've moved from Boston to North Carolina, gotten married, lost a very close family member, planned a wedding, lived with parents, found a new apartment, took a pay cut, found new jobs, fought the usual first year fights, dealt with an unforeseen pregnancy, made progress on a dissertation, reevaluated another PhD program, traveled across the country (several times), navigated new neighborhoods, felt isolated from our professional peers, struggled to fit in with our old peers, been desperate to connect with those like us, wanted to escape, felt compelled to stay, and struggled with our life and life choices in general (and specific). We are emerging from the protective shelter of Nathaniel's extended student existence to the harsh realities of devastated workplace that is not able to offer much at this point.
I can say without hesitation, that there has also been significant joy as well. Our wedding day was one of the most remarkable days of my life. Even without linen napkins and other things that frustrated me, the day I got to marry Nathaniel and wear a "magical" dress and have music created by people I love and gather those I treasure most to enjoy a weekend, our wedding will always be a seemingly perfect memory, if not completely the wedding we planned. Also, I have experienced the birth of a beautiful niece, Elizabeth, who is growing into one of the sweetest girls in the world. I got to dance with my daddy. I got to feel the love of my mother as I cried over surprisingly positive pregnancy tests. I've had several house guests who make me smile from my soul outward. I received news that a beloved sister in law is pregnant alongside me.
It has been a time of drastic extremes. Moments of true, unadulterated happy punctuating a flowing river of stress and, at times, anxiety.
I feel like there is a parting of the clouds right now, though. I am cautious to get too excited, lest the light I see above our heads is not the sun peaking through and simply a new lightening bolt headed straight for us. But, odds are looking stacked our way.
On Monday, Nathaniel and I decided to look at what it would take for us to return to Boston or move to NYC. The sad truth we discovered is that, especially with a baby on the way, there is no way we could be prepared to move to a location like that, let alone eventually hope to get ahead financially if we moved. This sad realization led Nathaniel to a conclusion: we need an investment. Now.
On Tuesday, Nathaniel approached me with the idea that, instead of a 2 year baseline plan that would have us stay in North Carolina and save money, we change the plan to 5 years and invest in something more extensive... something like real estate.
I contacted my mother and explained to her what sort of financial restrictions and hopes we have, what we want specifically and in general. SuperRealtor adjusted her cape and began the pursuit. She explained our financing options, what would be required of us, and sent possible houses for us to look at.
Fast forward to the following Friday: we put a bid in on a house.
After debating how we would balance our aesthetic with a practical investment, we found a 3 bedroom, 2.5 bath townhouse. It has over 1600 square feet. Piccolino no longer has to nap on our bed, as he/she will not have daddy's piano in his/her room. Nathaniel and I have a DUAL vanity. Our kitchen is BEAUTIFUL and includes all appliances INCLUDING a wine chiller. Also, SuperRealtor negotiated for the very large, wall-mounted flat screen TV that hangs above the fireplace. The carpets are beautiful, cabinets new, storage ample, and walls neutral. I don't even feel like we need to paint before moving in, except for our Master Bedroom - and only because neither Nathaniel nor I like blue for a wall color - not because it is not beautiful.
In addition to having a larger, more appropriate place to call home as we bring our baby to his or her first domicile, there is also a very real, very viable, very hopeful possibility regarding Nathaniel's job prospects. I will not say too much about it, as he is apprehensive and a little gun-shy about entering the workforce. However, I will say that in this particular situation, many many professional and academic stars have aligned, offering us the greatest hope for follow through with getting Nathaniel the professional beginning we've been hoping for!
As I said before, it appears as though the clouds are parting a bit and will shed a bit more consistent light on us. We're saving, working, and planning. Now, it appears we'll be able to use our time here to make money on an investment, keep Nathaniel's CV alive, and give me the opportunity to further develop mine.
We are willing to work to achieve all our goals. It's just nice to know that the hard work and difficult decisions may actually bring about a positive outcome for us!
Sadly, I have not taken any pictures of our new home. I am attaching the link to the realtor.com page for it. Feel free to look at the pictures on there - they do NOT lie... it is BEAUTIFUL!
Can't wait to cook you all a meal in our new home once we're all settled!
http://www.realtor.com/realestateandhomes-detail/3952-Wendy-Lane_Raleigh_NC_27606_M59372-47081
Certainly, the past year has been a radical amount of change - we experienced all of the top 5 stressors on psychological stress tests within that time period. We've moved from Boston to North Carolina, gotten married, lost a very close family member, planned a wedding, lived with parents, found a new apartment, took a pay cut, found new jobs, fought the usual first year fights, dealt with an unforeseen pregnancy, made progress on a dissertation, reevaluated another PhD program, traveled across the country (several times), navigated new neighborhoods, felt isolated from our professional peers, struggled to fit in with our old peers, been desperate to connect with those like us, wanted to escape, felt compelled to stay, and struggled with our life and life choices in general (and specific). We are emerging from the protective shelter of Nathaniel's extended student existence to the harsh realities of devastated workplace that is not able to offer much at this point.
I can say without hesitation, that there has also been significant joy as well. Our wedding day was one of the most remarkable days of my life. Even without linen napkins and other things that frustrated me, the day I got to marry Nathaniel and wear a "magical" dress and have music created by people I love and gather those I treasure most to enjoy a weekend, our wedding will always be a seemingly perfect memory, if not completely the wedding we planned. Also, I have experienced the birth of a beautiful niece, Elizabeth, who is growing into one of the sweetest girls in the world. I got to dance with my daddy. I got to feel the love of my mother as I cried over surprisingly positive pregnancy tests. I've had several house guests who make me smile from my soul outward. I received news that a beloved sister in law is pregnant alongside me.
It has been a time of drastic extremes. Moments of true, unadulterated happy punctuating a flowing river of stress and, at times, anxiety.
I feel like there is a parting of the clouds right now, though. I am cautious to get too excited, lest the light I see above our heads is not the sun peaking through and simply a new lightening bolt headed straight for us. But, odds are looking stacked our way.
On Monday, Nathaniel and I decided to look at what it would take for us to return to Boston or move to NYC. The sad truth we discovered is that, especially with a baby on the way, there is no way we could be prepared to move to a location like that, let alone eventually hope to get ahead financially if we moved. This sad realization led Nathaniel to a conclusion: we need an investment. Now.
On Tuesday, Nathaniel approached me with the idea that, instead of a 2 year baseline plan that would have us stay in North Carolina and save money, we change the plan to 5 years and invest in something more extensive... something like real estate.
I contacted my mother and explained to her what sort of financial restrictions and hopes we have, what we want specifically and in general. SuperRealtor adjusted her cape and began the pursuit. She explained our financing options, what would be required of us, and sent possible houses for us to look at.
Fast forward to the following Friday: we put a bid in on a house.
After debating how we would balance our aesthetic with a practical investment, we found a 3 bedroom, 2.5 bath townhouse. It has over 1600 square feet. Piccolino no longer has to nap on our bed, as he/she will not have daddy's piano in his/her room. Nathaniel and I have a DUAL vanity. Our kitchen is BEAUTIFUL and includes all appliances INCLUDING a wine chiller. Also, SuperRealtor negotiated for the very large, wall-mounted flat screen TV that hangs above the fireplace. The carpets are beautiful, cabinets new, storage ample, and walls neutral. I don't even feel like we need to paint before moving in, except for our Master Bedroom - and only because neither Nathaniel nor I like blue for a wall color - not because it is not beautiful.
In addition to having a larger, more appropriate place to call home as we bring our baby to his or her first domicile, there is also a very real, very viable, very hopeful possibility regarding Nathaniel's job prospects. I will not say too much about it, as he is apprehensive and a little gun-shy about entering the workforce. However, I will say that in this particular situation, many many professional and academic stars have aligned, offering us the greatest hope for follow through with getting Nathaniel the professional beginning we've been hoping for!
As I said before, it appears as though the clouds are parting a bit and will shed a bit more consistent light on us. We're saving, working, and planning. Now, it appears we'll be able to use our time here to make money on an investment, keep Nathaniel's CV alive, and give me the opportunity to further develop mine.
We are willing to work to achieve all our goals. It's just nice to know that the hard work and difficult decisions may actually bring about a positive outcome for us!
Sadly, I have not taken any pictures of our new home. I am attaching the link to the realtor.com page for it. Feel free to look at the pictures on there - they do NOT lie... it is BEAUTIFUL!
Can't wait to cook you all a meal in our new home once we're all settled!
http://www.realtor.com/realestateandhomes-detail/3952-Wendy-Lane_Raleigh_NC_27606_M59372-47081
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
That thing I told you I'd tell you about...
So... I've got permission to write about this new development and share it with those who read my blog. I am SO EXCITED to be able to share!
I have often spoken about how much I truly enjoy Nathaniel's family. Most notably, I got FOUR NEW SISTERS when I said "yes" to Nathaniel. As a girl who never had a sister growing up, the possibility of late night giggling and craft hours made my heart so happy! I love each and every one of my sisters! They are beautiful, talented, driven, diverse, and entertaining. I am THRILLED that my child will share holidays and DNA with them.
When Nathaniel and I got married, only one sibling had changed her last name. Jessica, the youngest sister, married my fantastic brother in law, Matt, on 8.8.08. Both very dedicated to their future and their goals, they work a lot, study hard, and renovate their sweet little house together. I like to joke with Nathaniel that Jess and Matt are he and I in reverse - Jess and Nathaniel are even-keeled, matter of fact, and (at times) scathingly sarcastic... especially to one another. Matt and I are more emotional, effusive, and from the eastern US. Jessica can make me laugh for hours with the stories of how she inadvertently ruins her husband's hard work at romance when she comes home from work turning on lights, blowing out candles and yelling to him about why there are rose petals on the floor! When the four of us are together, conversation is easy and laughter is commonplace.
A few weeks ago, I got a phone call from the phone number programed into my phone as "Jessica." It was Matt's voice that cheerfully greeted me, though. He asked me if I remembered our most recent visit to Utah, where Jess and I traded jabs about my accidental pregnancy and her spitting in the air about the whole scenario. Jess just laughed at me and told me there was no chance she'd be joining our ranks of surprisingly pregnant anytime soon. I told him I remembered those exchanges well. He told me I could now point and laugh - he and Jessica are expecting!
She is due May 8, 2011. Our children will be less than one month apart!
This news thrills me for several reasons:
First, my best friend is my cousin. We only lived near each other for the first 9 years of my life. The rest of the time, she faithfully sent cards, waited for me to visit, and managed to keep in touch. We are about 3 months apart. I have high hopes that, especially if they are the same gender, our children can be great friends who love and support one another throughout their lives.
Secondly, while I have NO desire to join mommy support groups or play groups or anything like that, I LOVE that I have a sister with whom I can travel this journey. She and I have shared our moments of nausea, pains, and frustrations. Things like decisions about flu shots seem better when you have someone going through it, in real time, for the first time with you!
Third, my in laws are getting the influx of grandchildren they have waited so patiently for. Nathaniel put the gray hair on their head. Now he gets to give that gray hair credibility as they become grandparents. I love that his parents get to brag about the wedding and baby explosion currently going on in their family - they deserve every bragging right they get.
Fourth, holidays are going to be so fun with two little ones - for them AND for us! My niece and nephew have rejuvenated our family traditions. I'm so pleased our baby will have a partner in crime for Eschler holidays!
Fifth, my niece and nephew are a joy to me. They are fun and entertaining, encouraging and sustaining. I am SO HAPPY that Nathaniel will become a father and an uncle (again... Emory and Elizabeth call him "Duncle Dannel...") and I get to be an aunt again! I am SO happy that Nathaniel's sisters get to be aunts and that, come New Year's Eve, the babies will have a fantastic new Uncle Josh. I've so enjoyed the process of loving my brother and sister in law's children, I'm happy that these babies will be able to be in the center of such love and, invariably, enthusiasm.
Lastly, I am so excited about this coincidence because Nathaniel and I have a 10 year plan that involves living near Jess and Matt in the end. We once spoke to them about how we need to meet each other in 10 years and buy a Victorian home in Boston that can be split in 2. Jessica enthusiastically agreed. Having children at the same age means not having to venture into school systems alone, having chronic partners in figuring out how to make sure the children avoid the pitfalls of youth as much as possible, mutual childcare possibilities, fun holidays, and the extended family I so much want for my child. Our living arrangement would be wonderful - for us AND the children - now that the stork is making 2 stops in the Eschler family!
This news has encouraged me as I have been so frustrated by my other life circumstances. I know that this season will pass and we have MUCH to look forward to - for ourselves and our family at large.
Who knows... maybe I'll be a little bit late and she'll be a little bit early and our kids will share a birthday? In any case, YAY!!!!!!
I have often spoken about how much I truly enjoy Nathaniel's family. Most notably, I got FOUR NEW SISTERS when I said "yes" to Nathaniel. As a girl who never had a sister growing up, the possibility of late night giggling and craft hours made my heart so happy! I love each and every one of my sisters! They are beautiful, talented, driven, diverse, and entertaining. I am THRILLED that my child will share holidays and DNA with them.
When Nathaniel and I got married, only one sibling had changed her last name. Jessica, the youngest sister, married my fantastic brother in law, Matt, on 8.8.08. Both very dedicated to their future and their goals, they work a lot, study hard, and renovate their sweet little house together. I like to joke with Nathaniel that Jess and Matt are he and I in reverse - Jess and Nathaniel are even-keeled, matter of fact, and (at times) scathingly sarcastic... especially to one another. Matt and I are more emotional, effusive, and from the eastern US. Jessica can make me laugh for hours with the stories of how she inadvertently ruins her husband's hard work at romance when she comes home from work turning on lights, blowing out candles and yelling to him about why there are rose petals on the floor! When the four of us are together, conversation is easy and laughter is commonplace.
A few weeks ago, I got a phone call from the phone number programed into my phone as "Jessica." It was Matt's voice that cheerfully greeted me, though. He asked me if I remembered our most recent visit to Utah, where Jess and I traded jabs about my accidental pregnancy and her spitting in the air about the whole scenario. Jess just laughed at me and told me there was no chance she'd be joining our ranks of surprisingly pregnant anytime soon. I told him I remembered those exchanges well. He told me I could now point and laugh - he and Jessica are expecting!
She is due May 8, 2011. Our children will be less than one month apart!
This news thrills me for several reasons:
First, my best friend is my cousin. We only lived near each other for the first 9 years of my life. The rest of the time, she faithfully sent cards, waited for me to visit, and managed to keep in touch. We are about 3 months apart. I have high hopes that, especially if they are the same gender, our children can be great friends who love and support one another throughout their lives.
Secondly, while I have NO desire to join mommy support groups or play groups or anything like that, I LOVE that I have a sister with whom I can travel this journey. She and I have shared our moments of nausea, pains, and frustrations. Things like decisions about flu shots seem better when you have someone going through it, in real time, for the first time with you!
Third, my in laws are getting the influx of grandchildren they have waited so patiently for. Nathaniel put the gray hair on their head. Now he gets to give that gray hair credibility as they become grandparents. I love that his parents get to brag about the wedding and baby explosion currently going on in their family - they deserve every bragging right they get.
Fourth, holidays are going to be so fun with two little ones - for them AND for us! My niece and nephew have rejuvenated our family traditions. I'm so pleased our baby will have a partner in crime for Eschler holidays!
Fifth, my niece and nephew are a joy to me. They are fun and entertaining, encouraging and sustaining. I am SO HAPPY that Nathaniel will become a father and an uncle (again... Emory and Elizabeth call him "Duncle Dannel...") and I get to be an aunt again! I am SO happy that Nathaniel's sisters get to be aunts and that, come New Year's Eve, the babies will have a fantastic new Uncle Josh. I've so enjoyed the process of loving my brother and sister in law's children, I'm happy that these babies will be able to be in the center of such love and, invariably, enthusiasm.
Lastly, I am so excited about this coincidence because Nathaniel and I have a 10 year plan that involves living near Jess and Matt in the end. We once spoke to them about how we need to meet each other in 10 years and buy a Victorian home in Boston that can be split in 2. Jessica enthusiastically agreed. Having children at the same age means not having to venture into school systems alone, having chronic partners in figuring out how to make sure the children avoid the pitfalls of youth as much as possible, mutual childcare possibilities, fun holidays, and the extended family I so much want for my child. Our living arrangement would be wonderful - for us AND the children - now that the stork is making 2 stops in the Eschler family!
This news has encouraged me as I have been so frustrated by my other life circumstances. I know that this season will pass and we have MUCH to look forward to - for ourselves and our family at large.
Who knows... maybe I'll be a little bit late and she'll be a little bit early and our kids will share a birthday? In any case, YAY!!!!!!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Round 2!
It's official... I'm in the second trimester. I've been here for a few hours now and have yet to experience the "energy burst" everyone keeps telling me about... but, I also have yet to get out of bed.
I am determined to get back to working out regularly. While I never called in sick or took a day off during my first trimester, I did have some significant fatigue at the end of the day. Most often, this lack of energy meant I sacrificed a trip to the gym. I do NOT want to go into the "biggest cardio-vascular event of my life" (to quote the irrepressibly stupid, Gisele Bundchen about birth) without some preparation. We went to the Y yesterday (I rearranged my work schedule so that I got off a little early and went before my level of energy plummeted through the ground). I felt so good after the workout. However, I did not get anything done for work that I planned later in the evening.
I've also slept through the night for the past 2 nights. I am hoping that trend continues. I wake up before my alarm still, but I'm fine with that as long as I get 6.5 hours or so in a row.
I am now going to get out of bed. I am going to eat breakfast, do some documentation, and think positively about the day. I am going to wait for the energy burst to descend on me like tongues of fire at Pentecost. And, I am going to hope that this trimester at least makes me look pregnant, instead of just fat.
These are my great expectations for my second trimester.
In the mean time, I will draw energy from the spiritual goodness that is the "Across the Universe" soundtrack... if it helps with workouts, I figure it helps with gestation....
I am determined to get back to working out regularly. While I never called in sick or took a day off during my first trimester, I did have some significant fatigue at the end of the day. Most often, this lack of energy meant I sacrificed a trip to the gym. I do NOT want to go into the "biggest cardio-vascular event of my life" (to quote the irrepressibly stupid, Gisele Bundchen about birth) without some preparation. We went to the Y yesterday (I rearranged my work schedule so that I got off a little early and went before my level of energy plummeted through the ground). I felt so good after the workout. However, I did not get anything done for work that I planned later in the evening.
I've also slept through the night for the past 2 nights. I am hoping that trend continues. I wake up before my alarm still, but I'm fine with that as long as I get 6.5 hours or so in a row.
I am now going to get out of bed. I am going to eat breakfast, do some documentation, and think positively about the day. I am going to wait for the energy burst to descend on me like tongues of fire at Pentecost. And, I am going to hope that this trimester at least makes me look pregnant, instead of just fat.
These are my great expectations for my second trimester.
In the mean time, I will draw energy from the spiritual goodness that is the "Across the Universe" soundtrack... if it helps with workouts, I figure it helps with gestation....
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Fine... call it a comeback...
I've spent the past weekend and the beginning of this week trying to redeem the end of last week. While the weather has become beautiful (meaning better hair for me), the process of getting out of the pit established last Friday has been arduous. Working against me have been several factors: the death of another uncle, an assistant at work that was not able to cope with some stressors and took it out on me, further Department of Mental Health service amendments, continued sleep interruption, student evaluations at school, authorization expirations at Psych Support, ongoing attempts to rationally interact with my OBGYN's office about my treatment, and other general stresses.
These factors all conspired to keep me in a state of prepartum depression - which is why I am going to conspire against their plan. Go ahead - call it a comeback... I am determined to let go of that which I cannot control and be happy for what I have been given/earned.
A list of the things that make me smile are as follows:
1. My mother has supplied me with about TWO DOZEN adorable maternity shirts. Having a chest the size of Montana and a growing bump is so much easier to cope with when I can choose between 6 cute new shirts each morning!
2. Nathaniel is working - on everything. His paper is coming along brilliantly. His thoughts are clear and well formulated. He has an appointment scheduled with his adviser to check in with them in November and get the continued green light. He is choosing his second reader and outside reader (we've already identified who we want... just need to get their agreement now!). Additionally, Nathaniel is getting more and more students. His income this month has really made the difference.
3. I work for an amazing agency. When I truly lost it and melted into tears the other day at my agency, my boss invited me into her office, closed the door, let me cry, sympathized, and helped me develop a plan. She listened to my fears and concerns about how this scenario will all play out, including my concerns about 6 weeks of unpaid leave. She reassured me that not only would I continue to have the security of a flexible schedule, but that my child would be welcome in the office whenever it is clinically appropriate. She even went so far as to tell me that while I was doing intake interviews (which usually last an hour to an hour and a half), I could bring the baby in and the office staff would take turns holding the baby while I did the part the baby could not be present for. Who has job security and support like that?
4. My parents are amazing. I am getting to pick out the crib set I like and they are buying it. My father actually threw a fit when I proposed the idea of getting a used bassinet. He let me know that his grandchild would be WELL looked after - by the entire family! For now, my parents are taking delight in caring for the baby by making sure "the garage" (a term MY grandfather used for my mother when she carried his grandchildren) is well maintained - food, drink, clothing, toiletries, laundry, relaxation - they are a one-stop-shop!
5. My parents-in-law are amazing. We are going to be able to be in Salt Lake City for New Year's Eve, celebrating my sister in law's wedding with the rest of the family thanks to Nathaniel's parents helping to foot the bill. Traveling over the holidays to Utah costs at least $850 for both of us. Without their assistance, getting Nathaniel there alone would have been difficult. Thanks to their generosity, we both get to be there and share a holiday with his family.
6. I am leaving the first trimester without ever having tossed my cookies, been too tired to finish a day of work, or had any of the truly negative experiences other women face on a day to day basis. I am hoping that the rest of the pregnancy and delivery are as uneventful. Even with the diabetes always looming, I am healthy and, generally, happy. If I can keep the pregnancy weight down (so far, gained only 4 pounds) and the baby healthy with a minimally invasive delivery, I will consider the experience a success. (if not, the child will still be a success... I just may be a little disappointed in my body's reaction to the process)
7. Nathaniel and I have been able to save a bit. Not as much as we would like. But, saving is a regular part of our plan. And we are sticking to it. I'm so happy we have been able to get on the right track financially, even if it feels like cars and taxes and babies are conspiring to keep us from ever getting to a point of financial clarity.
8. Nathaniel and I are enjoying a great season of marriage. We are communicating well, working together toward goals, sharing our thoughts/fears/hopes/concerns openly, supporting one another, and keeping the house clean :) I always knew I would enjoy being married to Nathaniel - this season is just easier to be thankful for, even in the midst of our multiple stresses. I am thankful for my husband who is learning to love me well each day, and forgiving my shortcomings with more and more grace. (That is the last of our public display of written affection - we are NOT the couple who writes to each other on facebook to express love. I just want to let people know honestly about where we are, since I've been honest about how we have been struggling to cope with it all)
I'm still in a season of stress and still freaking out a bit. However, I am determined to be cliche and count my blessings. If I'm going to survive teaching these kids this morning, I'm going to have to start counting and recounting NOW!
These factors all conspired to keep me in a state of prepartum depression - which is why I am going to conspire against their plan. Go ahead - call it a comeback... I am determined to let go of that which I cannot control and be happy for what I have been given/earned.
A list of the things that make me smile are as follows:
1. My mother has supplied me with about TWO DOZEN adorable maternity shirts. Having a chest the size of Montana and a growing bump is so much easier to cope with when I can choose between 6 cute new shirts each morning!
2. Nathaniel is working - on everything. His paper is coming along brilliantly. His thoughts are clear and well formulated. He has an appointment scheduled with his adviser to check in with them in November and get the continued green light. He is choosing his second reader and outside reader (we've already identified who we want... just need to get their agreement now!). Additionally, Nathaniel is getting more and more students. His income this month has really made the difference.
3. I work for an amazing agency. When I truly lost it and melted into tears the other day at my agency, my boss invited me into her office, closed the door, let me cry, sympathized, and helped me develop a plan. She listened to my fears and concerns about how this scenario will all play out, including my concerns about 6 weeks of unpaid leave. She reassured me that not only would I continue to have the security of a flexible schedule, but that my child would be welcome in the office whenever it is clinically appropriate. She even went so far as to tell me that while I was doing intake interviews (which usually last an hour to an hour and a half), I could bring the baby in and the office staff would take turns holding the baby while I did the part the baby could not be present for. Who has job security and support like that?
4. My parents are amazing. I am getting to pick out the crib set I like and they are buying it. My father actually threw a fit when I proposed the idea of getting a used bassinet. He let me know that his grandchild would be WELL looked after - by the entire family! For now, my parents are taking delight in caring for the baby by making sure "the garage" (a term MY grandfather used for my mother when she carried his grandchildren) is well maintained - food, drink, clothing, toiletries, laundry, relaxation - they are a one-stop-shop!
5. My parents-in-law are amazing. We are going to be able to be in Salt Lake City for New Year's Eve, celebrating my sister in law's wedding with the rest of the family thanks to Nathaniel's parents helping to foot the bill. Traveling over the holidays to Utah costs at least $850 for both of us. Without their assistance, getting Nathaniel there alone would have been difficult. Thanks to their generosity, we both get to be there and share a holiday with his family.
6. I am leaving the first trimester without ever having tossed my cookies, been too tired to finish a day of work, or had any of the truly negative experiences other women face on a day to day basis. I am hoping that the rest of the pregnancy and delivery are as uneventful. Even with the diabetes always looming, I am healthy and, generally, happy. If I can keep the pregnancy weight down (so far, gained only 4 pounds) and the baby healthy with a minimally invasive delivery, I will consider the experience a success. (if not, the child will still be a success... I just may be a little disappointed in my body's reaction to the process)
7. Nathaniel and I have been able to save a bit. Not as much as we would like. But, saving is a regular part of our plan. And we are sticking to it. I'm so happy we have been able to get on the right track financially, even if it feels like cars and taxes and babies are conspiring to keep us from ever getting to a point of financial clarity.
8. Nathaniel and I are enjoying a great season of marriage. We are communicating well, working together toward goals, sharing our thoughts/fears/hopes/concerns openly, supporting one another, and keeping the house clean :) I always knew I would enjoy being married to Nathaniel - this season is just easier to be thankful for, even in the midst of our multiple stresses. I am thankful for my husband who is learning to love me well each day, and forgiving my shortcomings with more and more grace. (That is the last of our public display of written affection - we are NOT the couple who writes to each other on facebook to express love. I just want to let people know honestly about where we are, since I've been honest about how we have been struggling to cope with it all)
I'm still in a season of stress and still freaking out a bit. However, I am determined to be cliche and count my blessings. If I'm going to survive teaching these kids this morning, I'm going to have to start counting and recounting NOW!
Friday, October 1, 2010
Prepartum Depression...
There are just some days that should be stopped before they start. Unfortunately, I am not prescient enough to identify them until they have covered me in their slop and mess. Yesterday was such a day.
I had a morning where I just could not get out of my own way. Everything took longer than it should have: making breakfast, cleaning myself up, making the bed - everything. The reward for the frustration? A bad hair day. Even if I had the time to pay attention to it, my hair in the middle of a Tropical Depression is unqualified for redemption.
So, with water still dripping from my freshly washed scalp, dressed in an outfit I did not feel confident in, I ask for my husband's help getting the laundry basket, the dog, my work bag and me into the car. I was teetering on the precipice of on time/late when my sweet husband pointed out the flat tire on the rear passenger side - that tipped the scale to "LATE." I frantically called the school, where no one was picking up, to tell them I would be late for the PreK Spanish hour as I rolled at 15 miles an hour down the hill to the service station.
The men at the service station were very sweet. However, a woman with no make up, dripping hair, a dog about to be taken to the vet in her first trimester should not be promised "10 minutes" for a tire patching which would require at least 25, complete with "can you roll your car back?" "Now, can you put the emergency brake on?" "Now can you take it off?" All the while, Tropical depression Nicole reminding me that my hair would NOT be ok at any point in the day.
Once on the road with a tire patched with $15 worth of interventions, I continued to attempt to contact my school. My school continued to ignore the ringing phone.
I met my mother in Wakefield, transferred the dog she was going to take to the vet for me and my smelly laundry to her, for which I received a delicious turkey sandwich from her: one of the small flickers of grace in the day...
I proceeded on to the gates of Hades... I mean, the school where I teach.
I am going to have to reimburse several parents for the copays they spent to have their children's minds cleansed on the image of my bulging eyes as I was threatening them with notes home and times out if their bottoms did not stay in the place I assigned them to be. The administrator wanted additional lesson plans out of me; the kids were not able to remember the difference between "here" and "there" in Spanish; the pianos were electronic (not anything new to this day, but always annoying to me).
While battling the inane insanity of PreK through 2nd grade, my full time job needed me to fax signatures to agencies in Durham so they could have the privilege of paying $100 for the release of a personnel chart dating back to 2007. Of course, the fax machine did not work, forcing me to pay $1.25 to Staples to take care of this silly matter.
While wrestling with fax machines and unnecessary fees, my mother called: Hector is NOT neurotic. His incessant scratching was from fleas. FLEAS... while on K9 Advantix... and sleeping in our bed... FLEAS! That meant, I got to give him a flea bath when I was done with the other errands of the day!
Then, as I was on my way to open a health savings account in accordance with the terms of my new health benefits (I use the term "benefit" lightly... health burden would be as accurate), the doctor's office contacted me. Knowing that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which is caused by insulin resistance, and knowing that THEY took me off of my insulin-sensitizing medicine more than 2 weeks ago, they contact me to schedule a longer, more intense blood glucose test. Apparently, the upper limit of the test range was 139. I came in at 143. At first, I accepted my fate of the 3 hour test. Then, I thought critically about the situation.
I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. I have no medicine, per the doctor's request. I am KNOWN to have insulin resistance. The upper threshold was lowered for pregnant women due to increased vigilance. And, I was only 4 points above the NEWLY LOWERED threshold.
Do you know what that means?
It means I'm actually a rock star. It means WITHOUT ANY CHEMICAL REGULATION WITH INSULIN THAT DOES NOT WORK, I manage, through diet and exercise, to come within 4 points of a normal range! I AM A ROCK STAR. Additionally, it means, No, you may not ask me to spend my $2700 deductible to see a 27 year old, 99 pound yoga addict for a nutritional consultation - I already abstain from what I shouldn't eat. And, if God forbid I have the scoop of ice cream after dinner, I GET MY BUTT TO THE GYM... I do NOT have diabetes and WILL NOT be spending my time, energy, and money (all of which are at a premium) on chasing down paper men. This pregnancy is already dramatic enough - no need to add more drama!
After the bank, I headed to my mother and father's house. Again, the only moments of grace in the day occurred there. My mother made DELICIOUS white bean soup. My laundry was done. There were 2 new bras and 2 new maternity shirts waiting for me.
As the contracted muscles which forced my shoulders up around my ears all day long started to relax and the last of the laundry tumbled in the dryer, we got a phone call. My Uncle Junior died of a sudden heart attack while in Grand Central Station with his son.
Uncle Junior was not sick (that anyone knew of) and was a member of the dwindling numbers of my grandfather's siblings. He was one of the large Italian voices and guts which make my First Holy Communion video a family classic. He always "knew a guy" who could get us food for family reunions or my grandmother's funeral - whatever you needed, whenever you needed. In April, he tried to rouse his brothers and their wives to make a trip to NC for my wedding. Uncle Junior was a stalwart, calling for annual family reunions - and this year's will be bittersweet without him.
Yesterday just should NOT have happened... so thankful it is today.
I had a morning where I just could not get out of my own way. Everything took longer than it should have: making breakfast, cleaning myself up, making the bed - everything. The reward for the frustration? A bad hair day. Even if I had the time to pay attention to it, my hair in the middle of a Tropical Depression is unqualified for redemption.
So, with water still dripping from my freshly washed scalp, dressed in an outfit I did not feel confident in, I ask for my husband's help getting the laundry basket, the dog, my work bag and me into the car. I was teetering on the precipice of on time/late when my sweet husband pointed out the flat tire on the rear passenger side - that tipped the scale to "LATE." I frantically called the school, where no one was picking up, to tell them I would be late for the PreK Spanish hour as I rolled at 15 miles an hour down the hill to the service station.
The men at the service station were very sweet. However, a woman with no make up, dripping hair, a dog about to be taken to the vet in her first trimester should not be promised "10 minutes" for a tire patching which would require at least 25, complete with "can you roll your car back?" "Now, can you put the emergency brake on?" "Now can you take it off?" All the while, Tropical depression Nicole reminding me that my hair would NOT be ok at any point in the day.
Once on the road with a tire patched with $15 worth of interventions, I continued to attempt to contact my school. My school continued to ignore the ringing phone.
I met my mother in Wakefield, transferred the dog she was going to take to the vet for me and my smelly laundry to her, for which I received a delicious turkey sandwich from her: one of the small flickers of grace in the day...
I proceeded on to the gates of Hades... I mean, the school where I teach.
I am going to have to reimburse several parents for the copays they spent to have their children's minds cleansed on the image of my bulging eyes as I was threatening them with notes home and times out if their bottoms did not stay in the place I assigned them to be. The administrator wanted additional lesson plans out of me; the kids were not able to remember the difference between "here" and "there" in Spanish; the pianos were electronic (not anything new to this day, but always annoying to me).
While battling the inane insanity of PreK through 2nd grade, my full time job needed me to fax signatures to agencies in Durham so they could have the privilege of paying $100 for the release of a personnel chart dating back to 2007. Of course, the fax machine did not work, forcing me to pay $1.25 to Staples to take care of this silly matter.
While wrestling with fax machines and unnecessary fees, my mother called: Hector is NOT neurotic. His incessant scratching was from fleas. FLEAS... while on K9 Advantix... and sleeping in our bed... FLEAS! That meant, I got to give him a flea bath when I was done with the other errands of the day!
Then, as I was on my way to open a health savings account in accordance with the terms of my new health benefits (I use the term "benefit" lightly... health burden would be as accurate), the doctor's office contacted me. Knowing that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which is caused by insulin resistance, and knowing that THEY took me off of my insulin-sensitizing medicine more than 2 weeks ago, they contact me to schedule a longer, more intense blood glucose test. Apparently, the upper limit of the test range was 139. I came in at 143. At first, I accepted my fate of the 3 hour test. Then, I thought critically about the situation.
I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. I have no medicine, per the doctor's request. I am KNOWN to have insulin resistance. The upper threshold was lowered for pregnant women due to increased vigilance. And, I was only 4 points above the NEWLY LOWERED threshold.
Do you know what that means?
It means I'm actually a rock star. It means WITHOUT ANY CHEMICAL REGULATION WITH INSULIN THAT DOES NOT WORK, I manage, through diet and exercise, to come within 4 points of a normal range! I AM A ROCK STAR. Additionally, it means, No, you may not ask me to spend my $2700 deductible to see a 27 year old, 99 pound yoga addict for a nutritional consultation - I already abstain from what I shouldn't eat. And, if God forbid I have the scoop of ice cream after dinner, I GET MY BUTT TO THE GYM... I do NOT have diabetes and WILL NOT be spending my time, energy, and money (all of which are at a premium) on chasing down paper men. This pregnancy is already dramatic enough - no need to add more drama!
After the bank, I headed to my mother and father's house. Again, the only moments of grace in the day occurred there. My mother made DELICIOUS white bean soup. My laundry was done. There were 2 new bras and 2 new maternity shirts waiting for me.
As the contracted muscles which forced my shoulders up around my ears all day long started to relax and the last of the laundry tumbled in the dryer, we got a phone call. My Uncle Junior died of a sudden heart attack while in Grand Central Station with his son.
Uncle Junior was not sick (that anyone knew of) and was a member of the dwindling numbers of my grandfather's siblings. He was one of the large Italian voices and guts which make my First Holy Communion video a family classic. He always "knew a guy" who could get us food for family reunions or my grandmother's funeral - whatever you needed, whenever you needed. In April, he tried to rouse his brothers and their wives to make a trip to NC for my wedding. Uncle Junior was a stalwart, calling for annual family reunions - and this year's will be bittersweet without him.
Yesterday just should NOT have happened... so thankful it is today.
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