Fine... call it a comeback...

I've spent the past weekend and the beginning of this week trying to redeem the end of last week. While the weather has become beautiful (meaning better hair for me), the process of getting out of the pit established last Friday has been arduous. Working against me have been several factors: the death of another uncle, an assistant at work that was not able to cope with some stressors and took it out on me, further Department of Mental Health service amendments, continued sleep interruption, student evaluations at school, authorization expirations at Psych Support, ongoing attempts to rationally interact with my OBGYN's office about my treatment, and other general stresses.

These factors all conspired to keep me in a state of prepartum depression - which is why I am going to conspire against their plan. Go ahead - call it a comeback... I am determined to let go of that which I cannot control and be happy for what I have been given/earned.

A list of the things that make me smile are as follows:

1. My mother has supplied me with about TWO DOZEN adorable maternity shirts. Having a chest the size of Montana and a growing bump is so much easier to cope with when I can choose between 6 cute new shirts each morning!

2. Nathaniel is working - on everything. His paper is coming along brilliantly. His thoughts are clear and well formulated. He has an appointment scheduled with his adviser to check in with them in November and get the continued green light. He is choosing his second reader and outside reader (we've already identified who we want... just need to get their agreement now!). Additionally, Nathaniel is getting more and more students. His income this month has really made the difference.

3. I work for an amazing agency. When I truly lost it and melted into tears the other day at my agency, my boss invited me into her office, closed the door, let me cry, sympathized, and helped me develop a plan. She listened to my fears and concerns about how this scenario will all play out, including my concerns about 6 weeks of unpaid leave. She reassured me that not only would I continue to have the security of a flexible schedule, but that my child would be welcome in the office whenever it is clinically appropriate. She even went so far as to tell me that while I was doing intake interviews (which usually last an hour to an hour and a half), I could bring the baby in and the office staff would take turns holding the baby while I did the part the baby could not be present for. Who has job security and support like that?

4. My parents are amazing. I am getting to pick out the crib set I like and they are buying it. My father actually threw a fit when I proposed the idea of getting a used bassinet. He let me know that his grandchild would be WELL looked after - by the entire family! For now, my parents are taking delight in caring for the baby by making sure "the garage" (a term MY grandfather used for my mother when she carried his grandchildren) is well maintained - food, drink, clothing, toiletries, laundry, relaxation - they are a one-stop-shop!

5. My parents-in-law are amazing. We are going to be able to be in Salt Lake City for New Year's Eve, celebrating my sister in law's wedding with the rest of the family thanks to Nathaniel's parents helping to foot the bill. Traveling over the holidays to Utah costs at least $850 for both of us. Without their assistance, getting Nathaniel there alone would have been difficult. Thanks to their generosity, we both get to be there and share a holiday with his family.

6. I am leaving the first trimester without ever having tossed my cookies, been too tired to finish a day of work, or had any of the truly negative experiences other women face on a day to day basis. I am hoping that the rest of the pregnancy and delivery are as uneventful. Even with the diabetes always looming, I am healthy and, generally, happy. If I can keep the pregnancy weight down (so far, gained only 4 pounds) and the baby healthy with a minimally invasive delivery, I will consider the experience a success. (if not, the child will still be a success... I just may be a little disappointed in my body's reaction to the process)

7. Nathaniel and I have been able to save a bit. Not as much as we would like. But, saving is a regular part of our plan. And we are sticking to it. I'm so happy we have been able to get on the right track financially, even if it feels like cars and taxes and babies are conspiring to keep us from ever getting to a point of financial clarity.

8. Nathaniel and I are enjoying a great season of marriage. We are communicating well, working together toward goals, sharing our thoughts/fears/hopes/concerns openly, supporting one another, and keeping the house clean :) I always knew I would enjoy being married to Nathaniel - this season is just easier to be thankful for, even in the midst of our multiple stresses. I am thankful for my husband who is learning to love me well each day, and forgiving my shortcomings with more and more grace. (That is the last of our public display of written affection - we are NOT the couple who writes to each other on facebook to express love. I just want to let people know honestly about where we are, since I've been honest about how we have been struggling to cope with it all)

I'm still in a season of stress and still freaking out a bit. However, I am determined to be cliche and count my blessings. If I'm going to survive teaching these kids this morning, I'm going to have to start counting and recounting NOW!