As time goes by...

I have a long held grudge against time. I have known for a while that time is relentless and ferocious, taking heed of no pleasure or no pain, no preference and no need. Time simply does as time has always done.

I first felt this when my Papa passed. My heart was broken, but there were still people going in and out of the grocery store. The mailman still delivered bills. Gas stations were still full of cars. Time still mandated that everything continue moving, despite the fact that my heart was dust. Similarly, joyful times have been tortured by time. Our wedding day was the most wonderful twinkling of an eye I can remember... time refused even to pause for the sake of enjoyment.

This phenomenon is greatly enhanced with a child. Nathaniel and I frequently comment to one another that Auggi looks bigger when he wakes up from his nap than when he went to sleep. Those tenuous early weeks of sleep deprivation and dependence have given way to longer naps and predictable development. As I watch our little boy morph from embryonic dependence to greater self determination, I often find myself trying to set mental markers in my memory so that this moment, although fleeting, does not extinguish permanently. These days, full of work, school, and parenthood, are precious, irreplaceable, and fleeting.

While fully feeling the impact of the brevity of this sweet time in our family's growth, I am resolving in myself never to give in to more than a quick observation of the bittersweetness... and that is because I am keenly aware that there is something sadder and more intense than the typical berating of time.

For parents who have children who leave our presence too soon, the bittersweetness of my current existence is welcome. To parents who have to deal with diagnoses, therapists, and exceptionalities, the typical pain of typical time passage would be a relief. Parents coping with the loss of a partner or loss of a job or loss of significant family members would be ok with my passage of time.

I acknowledge that the extreme speed with which our little boy is becoming a little bit bigger boy can be painful and make me want to break Time's arms. What I acknowledge even more heartily is that parenting is, if done at all correctly, a selfless act... and, that twinge of pain I feel in my heart as I fold up the 3 month clothing and make room for bigger shorts is not only normal, but necessary and, in so many ways, a tremendously positive blessing.

I hope we never forget how fortunate we are... to have a spectacular son, to stand witness to his miraculously typical development, and to have reason to expect it will be so always...

Auggi sported the onesie has Grandma Eschler made for his daddy... Grandma Eschler got to see him wear it on Skype the other day... he makes that onesie look good!

Auggi and Daddy on the final day that the pool was open for the season... what a difference from the first swim of the season, when he was still just a sleepy newborn!

Auggi and Nonni have dates twice a week now that Mommy is back in school and Daddy works... Nonni has taught Auggi to love his highchair and to expect his blocks when he's there...

He still prefers to be swaddled, but he's in a very good nap schedule and loves his crib and room!