IT IS TIME... WOO?

We grew up in Europe, where American TV had yet to be formatted to the yet-to-be-invented (by Al Gore) internet, meaning we wandered in an abyss of foreign-language lotion commercials that showed more anatomy than my mother was comfortable with my brother knowing about in 1989. Between my brother's and my penchant for all things fast paced and Saturday morning and the German nation's conflicting fixation with anything Coke or Mickey Mouse, we did not enjoy watching European TV. The primary result of this disconnect was that my brother and I did not watch or want to watch nearly as much TV as we did stateside. The second outcome was one common to many or our family friends: my family quickly grew a VHS library that was marvelously impressive to compensate for our deficit.

No matter how impressive a collection, though, the limited number of productions that will entertain a 9 year old girl and a 7 year old boy while keeping their parents from committing hari kari for having to live through it are not vast. Thus, we watched movies on a loop. Our select number of favorites appeared on a rotation and we would watch them periodically, causing us to remember every detail about the movie since we held to it so dearly and internalized them repeatedly. We watched each movie that made the family cut like a lifeline to the American pastime of familial Boob-Tube bonding entertainment. One such movie was called "Heart and Souls."

I don't think it received too much stateside acclaim. It starred Robert Downey Jr. (who I have been in love with since I knew he existed... this movie may have done that for me) and Elizabeth Shue (the 80's dreamgirl who I believe now exists only on Lifetime TV). Robert Downey Jr. has 4 "imaginary" friends who are with him since he's a baby and he interacts with vibrantly as a child. The 4 are actually the souls of people who were killed in a bus accident that happened the night his father was driving his mother to the hospital. They eventually stop "playing" with Robert Downey Jr.'s "Thomas" character so he can grow up and be normal - not talking to dead people no one else sees and all. They end up silently following him throughout his life which, as is typical to 80s movies, is unremarkable with the emotional void in his life denoted by the German car he drives. We, the audience, come to find out that there was some supernatural oversight and these 4 spirits were supposed to have been picked up by the bus driver who caused the accident that took their lives (he's doing his Purgatory-penance by driving a celestial bus route to take people to the afterlife) YEARS earlier, after they had a chance to reconcile that one thing that would allow them to rest. Thus, "Thomas (the cookie boy)" was the "heart." They were the "souls."

When the bus doors finally fly open in a flash of light and mist, the bus driver dismounts his bus throne dramatically and looks at them, a group of 4 80's allstar actors (Alfre Woodard and Charles Grodin, anyone?) and, with disingenuous gravity to his voice shakes out, "Iiiiiiitttt Iiiiiiissss Tiiiimmmmeeee.... WWWOOOOOOOO..." After 30-something years of following Thomas silently, the 4 are pretty disheartened and difficult to impress. So, the smartass character looks at him and in a typically NY accent repeats "It is time? Woo?" with a flat affect.

I indulge in that long, reminiscent rant to say this: I feel like the smartass New Yorker spirit.

It is time? Woo?

Here I sit at full term and nothing. Not a thing. I am large and growing larger. Our baby continues his trek toward healthy weight and length with a blatant disregard for my need to walk without wetting myself. The crib is up and his room is, more or less, finished. I have his going home outfit, my going home outfit, his father's going home outfit, a car seat, batteries for the camera, a birth plan, and a generally clean house. I have all my cases at work poised to be taken over by someone else and my clients prepared to hear "She's not here right now. She won't be available until May," when they call and look for me. I have a husband on board, parents and parents in law jumping every time my number appears on caller ID and a brother ready to drive his family south for the blessed event. I have a dog that has been groomed and is ready, a growth chart put up in a now monkey-themed bathroom, my mortgage paid, a tax return on its way, and a full month of March worked. I have anxiety about doctors who want to artificially start a natural process and have been popping Evening Primrose oil like it's my job.

And nothing.

It is time? Woo?

So, instead of focusing on the discomfort (I can't call it pain... I just can't call it comfortable) of being this pregnant and full term and waking up after another full night's sleep (I ought to be shot for complaining about that, considering what other women go through to sleep at this stage and what I'm about to go through during these first few weeks and months of feeding), I am going to choose to be thankful.

I want to pause for a second to be thankful for the many, many, many reasons being here at this point, feeling as I do, is a gift to me and the baby:

* I am thankful this was not an ectopic pregnancy. I can still taste the fears of those first blog entries as I felt responsible for a life potentially damaged by the Birth Control pills I had been taking. I am thankful that the baby and I were not subject to that fate.

* I am thankful for 10 glorious weeks of married life I shared with Nathaniel before those lines appeared on those tests. Our adorable little apartment with our adorable little dog and dreams of living overseas and conquering the world were the perfect way to begin marriage.

* I am thankful that I never had morning sickness. And that the afternoon sickness I encountered was easily overcome.

* I am thankful that PCOS did not get to determine if I am a biological mommy or not. No one got a say in it, really... not even Nathaniel and I :)

* I am thankful we lived near family when we found this out. I am thankful that even though I will have to admit to my son one day that I cried when I first learned of his existence, the sweet memory of Elizabeth hanging off my mother's hip as she hugged me in our tiny bathroom while I wept is also attached to that story.

* I am thankful for the support of our family on the other side of the country. They got on board quickly and have loved us well!

* I am thankful for pregnancy hormones, which turned this ship around quickly for my heart and got me on board more quickly than I thought I could have.

* I am thankful that even though I was in a maternity shop at 7 weeks gestation to account for my "blossoming bosom," it stopped. The weight gain and "northern development" have been minimal!

* I am thankful for the traumatic transition between offices due to insurance issues.

* I am thankful for my insurance. The headache is great, but the alternative is scary!

* I am thankful for our new house and the chance to create an investment for our future while living in a little corner of the world that is a place of complete repose.

* I am thankful for the "growing pains" my family has experienced over the past 40 weeks. While I cannot say that I have enjoyed walking the path laid out for our development, I am hopeful for the ultimate outcomes and the health of the family in which Emory, Elizabeth, and Baby Boy grow up.

* I am thankful for my car being paid off and well working.

* I am thankful for having NO CONSUMER DEBT going into this, and even a tiny bit set aside.

* I am thankful for a job with flexible scheduling that allowed me to do what was necessary and only take 2 days of sick leave to compensate. I am thankful that, while I often complain about how much money I DON'T make, I've made enough to sustain us.

* I am thankful for Nathaniel's job, which has supplemented our income nicely.

* I am thankful I was able to quit my second job.

* I am thankful for my general health. I am thankful for being in touch with my body and knowing the baby was there despite the odds. I am thankful for knowing that the 1 and 3 hour tests were stupid for me and that I needed to monitor my blood sugar. I am thankful that I have been able to care for my body in a way that protects Baby Boy and me.

* I am thankful for my parents. There is no blog post long enough enumerate the ways they've saved us time and again. But I am thankful.... beyond what can be expressed.

* I am thankful for paint chips and vision and planning and fabric swatches and executing. I am thankful for the Brooklyn Bridge and Hart Crane and my mother's sewing machine, and the ancient rocking chair now made new. I am thankful for a new beginning anchored in rich heritage and marked with hand-stamped love.

* I am thankful for my husband. Typically, I abstain from public displays of affection - even in virtual form. However, I love this man. I am thankful he is the one I gave my life to nearly a year ago. I am thankful he is the one who has walked and, at times, stumbled down this path with me. I am thankful for our union, for the tests we've survived, for those yet to come, and for memories already made. I am thankful he is Baby Boy's daddy. I am thankful he is my husband. I am proud of him and would choose him again if I had to start all over.

* I am thankful for my husband's progress this year. His dissertation is submitted and only awaits his second reader's report. His music is in the possession of the New Music Brandeis organizer. We need to schedule his defense and then we are home-free. Job free as well. But, I'll be married to a Doctor by then :)

* I am thankful for the weekly pregnancy updates I got in my email. I am thankful that Baby Boy met each milestone as he should have and that the development was typical and healthy. I am thankful that I was not in the PhD program I wanted to be in and had the time to savor the passing moments of this pregnancy.

* I am thankful he is a boy.

* I am thankful for the people we have seen and gotten to be with during this time: Jen, Elizabeth, Stephanie, Brent, Matt, Michael, and many others have come to stay with us. We got to Utah and Tennessee to see everyone out there. I love that the love for us and Baby Boy, literally, wraps around the country.

* I am thankful for Hector. He is the world's coolest dog and best big brother possible.

* I am thankful that blood sugar was the fight I had to fight. Blood pressure, blood clotting, and spotting are all things that would have been potentially more devastating to deal with. I've watched people who have walked alongside me. Blood sugar was definitely the lesser of all possible evils.

* I am thankful for the new friends who love and walk with us. I love that my "old" friends are cycling back through and able to offer love and insight.

* I am thankful that I live somewhere where my biggest concern is red hair or brown. I don't have to worry about food or diapers or warmth or life-sustenance. Budgets are always scary, but I have resources and love beyond measure!

* I am thankful for Jessica, the doula who did our birthing classes. Never once did she attempt to indoctrinate us into a particular view of birth, yet she instilled in us a passion for a birth process that we are hoping to protect and live out. She truly educated us and educated us well.

* I am thankful that it is time. He can come whenever he likes with no worries or concerns about atypical things. He is fully baked and well prepared. Even mommy is ready to lose sleep and give her body over in a different way so that the next phase can begin.

* I am thankful for the plans that go after. Plans for Boston. Plans for Baby Boy's"coming out" party. Plans for possibly returning to school next year. Plans for what to dress him in when he comes home. Plans for Emory and Elizabeth to be here to love him as soon as he is out. Plans for Europe in a few short years. Plans for his expected tradition of excellence. Plans...

Because, that is what this baby has come to be. At first, he was a disruption to a plan. Then, he was the object of a new plan creation. Now, he is central to our future plans and the impetus for my newly forming, ever evolving life vision. He is hope for our future, redemption for our mistakes, and motivation for our shortcomings. He is already beautiful and terrifying and trying and rewarding and blessing and frustration and peace and insanity. He is already our son. We have already failed him. We have already given him more than we ever thought we could give another human being.

and now... it is time.