Happy Birthday, Grandma Eschler

I think I should amend my March 2, 2011 statements to read that, traditionally, relationships between women - especially between women who have the words "mother" or "daughter" in their titles - are difficult to manage as a rule. I've already laid out the reason the biological mother-daughter relationship is complex. The other relationship that I repeatedly hear women struggle to make peace with is the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship. And, again, I must admit that my life is an embarrassment of riches.

I often hear women of all ages and stages of marriage lament the woman their husband calls mother. The causes of these complaints and strains comes from every possible stimulus, beginning with food preparation, continuing through child raising, moving beyond housekeeping - and any other issue there is to be taken with womanhood in general. And, honestly, I can see how things get muddy in this relationship. A woman gives birth to a son, spends her life pouring her energy, love and devotion into that man and is one day relegated to second place as he chooses someone who may or may not mirror those qualities that a mother had hoped would be obviously important staples to feminine identity. I'm sure in 30 years or so, the passing of the baton will be a difficult experience for me as well. And, when that time comes, I can only hope and pray to be a woman of as much grace, kindness, and unconditional love as my own mother in law.

I do not live near my mother in law. I know that gives me an unfair advantage in the "loving my mother in law" game. However, my mother in law is the type of woman who, even if we lived in her basement, I cannot imagine being a negative influence or stressor to me or our marriage. As I stated 10 days ago in praise of my own mother, I can now cite my mother in law as another force in my life that is unceasingly wishing and praying only for good and loves without exception or end.

Today is my mother in law's birthday. On this day, I would like to spend time listing a few of the virtues and traits that make her invaluable to me and the life that is growing himself out of his current home in my womb.

1. My mother in law is a woman of grace. She is true grace at that. She is not the superficial grace that you learn at finishing school. Instead, she is the embodiment of that which is purely gracious. I'm sure if you asked her for her coat, she'd give it to you - even if you recently insulted her. She never thinks of herself or her comfort first. Instead, her life is in service of those she loves. She never acts out of resentment, obligation or frustration. She is grace.

2. My mother in law knows how to love unconditionally and does so without restraint. When my husband was growing up, he tested her in every possible way. She was pushed and pulled, tethered and loosed with the whims of his developing needs, ideologies, and desires. Many families would hold such a past over the head of the family member who caused the distress. Not my mother in law, however. She loves unconditionally. My husband is as dear to her as the day she first held him and wrote effusively in his baby book about how perfect a creation he was. Those things he did to test her are long forgotten, covered over by the love she never wavered in maintaining for him. Today, she extends this same love to me.

3. My mother in law loves genealogy. She can tell me the name of the Mayflower passenger from whom my son is descended, and which trail their family took as they followed Brigham Young to settle the wild west in search of religious freedom and fulfillment. She even took down some information about our family when my parents and I visited last fall and began to include us in her studies. I love that our son will be able to identify a family member who participated in every part of the development of the American dream and way of life, from the Mayflower through Ellis Island and that my mother in law is the guardian of such information.

4. My mother in law loves her husband. Never fearing to let us see the imperfections which form their perfect union, she loves my father in law in a pure way that demonstrates healthy balance and perseverance to my husband and I. I feel that I can go to them with questions and concerns about our relationship as easily as my own parents, thanks to their transparency.

5. My mother in law is a caregiver. She cares for her 5 children... relentlessly and with passion. She cares for her 100 year old mother. She cares for her husband. She maintains activity in her ward and provides care there as well. Like my own mother, she made her family a priority growing up and continues the tradition of actively demonstrating care to those she has been given regularly and well.

6. My mother in law worked hard to give me a husband. I know she did not do this for "me," per se. However, she worked her fingers to the bone and wore out her knees praying over my husband. I love that she taught him respect and discipline as best she could. I love that she adored him and prayed for him and wept for him and maintained a place for him to come home to whenever he was ready. I know that there are things she has treasured in her heart about Nathaniel that only a mother's affection could ever know and no word could describe. I am thankful she was the guardian of his early years and restoration to his later years. Without her enduring presence, my husband would not be who I love him for being - and our son would not stand to inherit such a rich heritage of devoted parentage.

7. My mother in law is flexible. Never once have I heard this woman assert her will forcefully. This trait is perhaps the one that, not only do I wish I could emulate, but actually do not understand. I have watched her go from a moment of exhaustion and wanting a quiet moment alone to fully dressed, in the car, and following us all on a contorted adventure she wasn't planning on taking. All the while, she smiles and encourages and never complains. To have a fraction of her humility and flexibility is a goal to which I should push myself for the rest of my days!

8. My mother in law is diligent. As was the case in my family, the main task of earning money fell to my father in law, allowing my mother in law to stay home and prioritize care of the family. She never, however, took advantage of this situation. Never is she in her nightgown late into the day. Never is my father in law unnecessarily burdened with paperwork or errands. She keeps the house, cooks the food, takes care of the day to day tasks, and relieves whatever other burdens may fall on my father in law - such as his lack of lunch when he leaves it at home when he goes to work. Her role as "stay at home" mother never translated, for even a moment into "exempt from contributing equally" wife.

9. My mother in law empowers those she loves to be who they are created to be. With 5 children and a growing number of children in law, there is never any pressure for anyone to conform or be like another. Nathaniel is the perpetual student with strong opinions and ideologies nearly 180 degrees different from his family; Carrie is a freer spirit who has lived in various places, deciding what sort of work or study will fulfill her; Anna is talkative and the most extroverted Eschler, by far, whose laughter is tangible; Becky is determined to persevere, but would rather do so without everyone's eyes on her; Jessica is confident and capable with a wry humor that seeps in like a thief; Matt is the son in law who is a hard worker and devoted to family; I am the loud, overly feeling ethnic daughter in law who is high maintenance as compared to the others; Josh is the newest addition, working to identify what he wants most out of life and how to get it most efficiently. None of us has to be the other. None of us has to pretend. All of us are welcome in my mother in law's home, her heart and to her table.

10. I know my relationship with my mother in law is just beginning. I love that there are so many years and trials and successes and frustrations and hopes and tragedies and excitements that I will share with her that will make her infinitely more valuable to me. Already, I've seen the relationship mature. When I could not find my mother, I called my mother in law to consult about the small amount of spotting I was having earlier in the pregnancy. My mother in law was comforting, reassuring and willing to help. Similarly, when I had a stomach bug and didn't know if I was over reacting, or should legitimately be concerned, she was a voice of calm guidance. I love knowing that this woman is a force in my life for good (meant in as many ways as it can be interpreted) and that she will be a force in Baby Boy Eschler's life as well.

Again, I feel it is unfair for me to have a mother that I can sing the praises of and then, 10 days later, sing the praises of the other mother in my life. But that is the reality I have been given - and it is one for which I am thankful everyday, especially as the reality of my own chance at motherhood inches closer.

So on this day, my mother in law's birthday, I publicly praise this woman for who she is, who she has been, and who I hope she will always be to me and our little family.

Happy birthday, Grandma Eschler!