While I expect...

While I expect that my blog will only be an addition to the white noise of every other woman doing this for her family who is located far from the gestational process happening inside her, I hope to be able to make Salt Lake City, Utah, and Raleigh, North Carolina (and Newburgh, New York and Boston, MA and El Paso, Texas and Albuquerque, New Mexico and on and on and on) feel a lot closer over the next 35 (?) weeks. I'm excited to share the sonograms, aches, pains, fears, frustrations, hopes, and plans we have for ourselves and our child in a way that our family feels welcome and involved.

I chose the title "1 in a million (literally)" because that is what the doctor said our chances of conception were when a shell-shocked Nathaniel asked how we became pregnant despite regularly taken birth control AND the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome I've been battling since my diagnosis in 1998. "1 in a million (literally)" was much more elegant than the other explanation he gave: "the sperm got to the egg."

As of right now, I'm just waiting for the doctor to call with my current hormone level and give me an approximate due date. We saw what the doctor believes is our baby on an ultrasound yesterday, but it's still too early to determine anything truly.

Nathaniel woke up today eager to get to his music. Tonight, we start our daily 2 hour routine: 1 hour devoted to his dissertation, 1 hour to studying for the LSAT with me. While our ENTIRE future seems to be a question mark, we are committed to being as proactive as we can. I told my parents (who are eager to begin pre-natal spoiling) that the first gift I want from them is a baby sling. I feel the sling is indicative of our parenting intentions. It says: "Hang on, baby... you go where we go... there is A LOT left to do... you're a part of it all now..."

I will not lie. I am TERRIFIED. I am terrified about the pain. I am terrified that I won't be able to keep this sacred charge through the 9 months and may cause harm to this new life. I am scared for Nathaniel, as he battles to stay optimistic about already dreaded work prospects, as well as a daunting PhD completion. I am worried about the money situation. I am scared about my ability to complete my education and life goals. I am terrified of settling for a second best, instead of the goals we went into our young marriage pursuing. I am worried that I won't have my own questions answered, mostly about my spiritual pursuits, before I have another life asking me for guidance. I am scared. Like I have never been before. However, the other day as I was writing in my new journal, I realized a few things that offer me hope:

1. Nathaniel and I are committed to doing things with excellence. This task will be no different.
2. We both have amazing family and support systems. We are not this child's only hope. THANK GOD!
3. While I never want my child to know I cried or felt fear when I found out about his or her existence, I want my child to be passionately grounded in an unrelenting pursuit of an objective truth. Thus, those emotions are part of his/her story with us. I want my child to be more thankful for an imperfect reality than the most perfect illusion. This child is welcome, although unexpected. This child is loved, although it has taken/continues to take significant adjustment for me to get past tears and worry.
4. Any egg that can break through 12 years of chemical suppression and a diagnosis that includes drastically reduced fertility chances, implant in a hostile environment, and flourish is already an amazing creature. This child is beginning with strength and spontaneity as his/her trademark. I am honored to be the mother to him/her already.
5. I love my husband. I love his art. I love his goals. My husband loves me. He loves my pursuits. He loves my goals. An unforeseen baby can either serve to magnify or destroy that. It is completely our choice. I choose to use this pregnancy as a source of inspiration, motivation, and strength.

*****While writing this post, the doctor's office called. My hormone levels have QUADRUPLED. The hormone range places me between the 5th and 6th week of pregnancy. I have an appointment to go in on Monday for a follow up ultrasound, heart rate detection, and due date determination. The first question is gone: this pregnancy is completely viable at this point. Onward and upward (and outward, I fear!)